


Still Here (Broken, Bleeding)

by DhampirsDrinkEspresso



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Age Difference, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Criminals, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Police, Attempted Underage Kiss initiated by Rey, Bazine and Rey are Sisters, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben and Bazine are Cops, Biting, Blackmail, Blades, Blood and Violence, Child Neglect, Choking, Coercion, Compartmentalization, Consensual Non-Consent, Defiant Rey, Denial, Dubious Consent, Emotional Manipulation, Exhibitionism, Extortion, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Gangs, Gun Violence, He Blocked It, Hospice Care, I Think This is Crossing the Line Into Dark Fic, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Neglect, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Intercrural Sex, Is This Dark Fic?, Kidnapping, Knife Violence, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Manipulation, Mentions of Cancer, Murder, Murderous Snoke, No Actual Underage Contact, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Safe Sane and Consensual, Organized Crime, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Parent Death, Parties, Playlist, Power Dynamics, Power Imbalance, Punishment, Rating Increased for Chapters 5 and On, Rating May Change, Reference to Past Dom/sub Relationship, Rey Has Had a Crush Since She was Nine, Rey Needs A Hug (Star Wars), Rey Netal, Self-Defense, Semi-Public Sex, Size Difference, Spanking, Stalking, Surveillance, Tags May Change, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Threats of Violence, Underage Drinking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence, cover-up, dirty cops, multiple character deaths, rating did change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:41:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29353620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DhampirsDrinkEspresso/pseuds/DhampirsDrinkEspresso
Summary: Everyone has always left Rey Netal, whether they wanted to or not. Everyone except her older sister, Detective Bazine Netal. But when Bazine is injured in the line of duty, Rey finds herself alone again. Alone and in danger, because Bazine's former partner shows up. Bazine's former partner whom Rey has maybe been in love with since she was about nine years old, even though he only ever saw her as a little kid."He's dirty, Rey," Baz said, cutting off her protests. "Ben Solo or whatever the hell he's calling himself now is a dirty cop-a criminal-and if you ever see him again, you turn your ass around and run the other way, do you hear me?"Rey nodded dumbly, shocked and numb. Ben? The same Ben who taught her how to balance equations and bought her ice cream when she failed her first calculus quiz and picked her up and took her home without hesitation when she called from the first (and last) party she went to? It couldn't be true...it just couldn't.
Relationships: Bazine Netal/Phasma, Kaydel Ko Connix/Dopheld Mitaka, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Other(s)
Comments: 74
Kudos: 90





	1. Lost a Little More Today

**Author's Note:**

> Story and Chapter titles from Skillet "Reach."
> 
> This will probably be another somewhat non-linear story with lots of flashbacks, but as of right now, all from Rey's POV. I anticipate 5 chapters max, but then Heiress was supposed to be short too, so we'll see.
> 
> UPDATE 2/27/21-definitely more than 5 chapters (more likely 8-12) and officially my darkest to date. 
> 
> Some playlist tracks are alternate versions, and a couple of songs are not available on Spotify, but I think the general mood is still conveyed. Honestly, I know not many people are interested in the songs behind this, but if you are: [Still Here (Broken, Bleeding) Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5ZMwWaf2CpmTgOscHhXVfz?si=GMLptSoCTqiyRmojw_0pQQ)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The only constants in Rey's life have been her sister and Ben Solo.
> 
> _She wasn’t dumb, she knew she was just a kid, but she’d grow up one day and an almost nine-year age difference wouldn’t be a big deal, then. She just had to be patient. Rey was good at being patient. After all, she’d waited years for her parents to come back (and they still might, Mama Maz always said anything was possible) and she’d waited for Mama Maz to adopt her._
> 
> _She was still waiting patiently for a puppy, and it didn’t look like that wait would end anytime soon._
> 
> _She could wait for Ben._

_You won’t hurt me. I know you won’t hurt me._

She flinched and tried not to yelp as the man behind her cuffed her wrists and then used the grip he had on her hair to drag her forward. She didn’t have the energy to pay attention to him, singularly focused instead on the man before her.

_You won’t hurt me._

The refrain thundered in her head, almost as if she could somehow force him to hear her thoughts. She stared back at him, hoping he’d see it in her eyes.

See that she still trusted him.

_I know you won’t hurt me._

He looked at the man pulling her hair. He’d always been hard to read, but she thought, just maybe, he was angry. Then he turned around. “Bring her. Snoke’s waiting.”

Bazine and Rey Netal. Mama Maz. She had a family.

Not the one she’d wanted, had been waiting for, but one so much better because they were _real_ and _there_ and they loved her and wanted her around.

Maz Kanata had swooped in from nowhere and scooped them both up, seeming so much bigger than life, even though at nine Rey was already practically taller than her soon to be new mother.

They went from the third (fourth?) foster home they’d been placed in together to the _real_ home of Rey’s dreams.

It was small, but Mama Maz called it their castle, and Rey thought she was right.

When they did the paperwork, Maz asked if they wanted to change their names, and if so, what name or names they wanted.

Bazine said no.

Rey said sisters should have the same name (even though she already knew that wasn’t always the way it worked) and if Bazine was keeping her name, Rey wanted that one, too.

Rey Netal.

She liked it loads better than Johnson or Jackson, and definitely better than Doe. Someone had a sick sense of humor when she was found as a toddler—christening her Doe, Rey Michelle. Bazine was the only one who had ever gotten away with calling her Doe-Rey-Mi, and only because she was the one who beat up the boys teasing little Rey after they watched the _Sound of Music_ in the first home where the sisters had met.

They’d lucked out with the same social worker, Mr. Bakker, a giant bear of a man with a bushy beard and a growly voice. He let everyone call him Chewie but even at five Rey had been pretty sure he had a real name. Chewie had somehow managed to keep Rey and Baz together, and when they ended up placed with Plutt, he’d worked extra hard to get them back _out_.

That was how Maz found them. Rey had stared in wonder and asked if she was Chewie’s girlfriend, and she’d laughed and said he wished he could be so lucky. Then Chewie laughed too, muttered “Someday, woman,” and it felt good and right and Rey smiled too.

It took a while, but someone “pulled some strings” (whatever that meant) and Bazine and Rey got to go home with Maz and never had to see Plutt again and that was it, their happily ever after.

Or at least it should have been.

Rey sniffed and blinked again as her eyes burned. She’d run out of tears a while ago. They’d be back. She’d learned quickly that the tears never went away completely. It had been fast, only months from the diagnosis until she and Baz had sat, one on either side of her bed, and watched as their beloved Mama Maz took her last breath and slipped away.

They hadn’t been alone, still weren’t, but Rey hadn’t _felt_ this alone even before she’d found Bazine. She sniffled again and swiped angrily at her nose with a crumpled tissue, leaning against Bazine. Her sister wrapped her arm around Rey’s shoulders, giving her a squeeze, and Rey let herself pretend that it was as much for herself as for Rey.

Poor Baz, barely eighteen, only just a legal adult and out of high school for two months, and she had to be a grown-up—like, the _real_ kind that paid bills and made decisions and took care of their dumb little sisters. Bazine and Mama Maz and some of Mama’s friends had worked to set everything up so the girls could stay together, and Baz kept insisting she wouldn’t even consider anything else, but Rey still felt bad.

Baz turned to greet the next person in line and shake their hand, and Rey shrank back. It was torture, all these people she didn’t even _know_ coming up and saying how sorry they were, shaking hands and trying to hug them and asking things like, “What will you do now?” and “Do you have any other family?” and then looking meaningfully at Rey. She knew what they were really saying: _Sorry you’re stuck with the kid. Can’t anyone else take her?_

Those were the times Bazine hugged her harder and glared back and practically growled, “Thank you for coming,” before turning to the next person.

Rey sniffed again and felt movement behind her just before a large hand dropped on her shoulder and she relaxed and maybe shivered a little but if he noticed he pretended not to.

_Him._

Ben Solo.

He was older than Bazine, but they’d met in the fancy, private Amidala High School where Maz had gotten Bazine a scholarship and Rey had one to Naberrie Academy, the private K-8 school down the block. They always said they weren’t dating, just friends, and Rey couldn’t help but be a little relieved.

Because she was quite sure, with all the confidence of the super mature twelve-year-old she was, that Ben Solo was the love of _her_ life.

She wasn’t dumb, she knew she was just a kid, but she’d grow up one day and an almost nine-year age difference wouldn’t be a big deal, then. She just had to be patient. Rey was good at being patient. After all, she’d waited years for her parents to come back (and they still might, Mama Maz always said anything was possible) and she’d waited for Mama Maz to adopt her.

She was still waiting patiently for a puppy, and it didn’t look like _that_ wait would end anytime soon.

She could wait for Ben.

Rey fell asleep in the car.

Ben was a good driver, and his car had leather seats that were soft and cushy and he always kept it at just the right temperature so Rey never got too cold. Bazine was in the front beside him, and she didn’t even argue when he went through a drive through for food for all three of them. They ate in the car, in the back corner of the parking lot, even Bazine (because Ben refused to start the car again until she ate _something_ ) and Rey stretched out in the back seat and barely noticed when they did move again.

She thought she woke up in the driveway. She supposed it might have been a dream, but Rey was almost certain she was in that half-asleep state where her brain was awake and she could hear what was going on around her but she couldn’t move because her body just wasn’t ready.

Ben and Baz were arguing.

“She’s too big for that. You shouldn’t.”

“Seriously, Baz, she’s tiny and she’s exhausted. Just let me help, at least for today.”

“Ben, she’s _twelve,_ not seven. You can’t just—”

But she stopped talking as Ben pulled Rey out of the car and stood up, carrying her like a much younger child—or a bride, Rey preferred that option even though she knew he didn’t think of her that way—and said, “You gonna get the door or do I need to do that part too?”

Rey heard the click of Bazine’s sensible heels on the driveway and then the hollow thud of them on the wooden porch steps. Rey felt the change in angle as she went up the slight incline of the sidewalk and then up the steps and she stirred, finally making her eyes blink and looking up at Ben. He noticed (because of course he did) and smiled at her. “I’ve got you, Lil Bit, you can go back to sleep.” She nodded (she thought so, anyway) and let her head fall back on his shoulder.

She woke up in her own bed, shoes off but otherwise still in her funeral dress—navy blue with lighter blue and pink flowers, because Mama Maz always said it was her favorite—and her head hurt. She could hear the murmur of voices from the next room, Mama’s—well, Bazine’s now, really, it had been for a few months. Ben and Baz were talking, and she couldn’t hear what they were saying but she thought Bazine was crying again, and it sounded like Ben was telling her he’d help with…something, and then the bed creaked (just once) like they sat down or lay back on it.

Rey wondered if they were having sex.

It was a thing that happened, right? When someone died? It made other people want to have sex, to remind themselves they were still alive.

At least that was what her friend Rose Tico said, and she’d heard it from her older sister Paige, and Paige was in college and really smart and knew everything so it must be true. Rey listened but there were no more sounds other than Baz crying again, and that made Rey want to cry again, but her whole head hurt from so much crying for so many days already, so she got up and went to the closet, hanging up her dress and pulling on her old gym shirt and a pair of denim cut off shorts.

Bazine’s door was open, and she could see Ben and Baz just sitting on the edge of the bed, still in their funeral clothes too, although Ben had taken off his suit jacket and loosened his tie, and both of them had taken their shoes off—probably downstairs.

“Hey, Lil Bit,” Ben said, “Feeling better?” Rey nodded and Bazine looked up and offered a watery smile as she held an arm out. Rey didn’t hesitate to go in and sit on the other side of her sister, letting Bazine hug her close, and Ben moved to get his arm around them both (his arms were _long_ ) so they were all hugging and for just a little while, Rey thought maybe everything would be okay after all.

Ben basically moved in, which meant Rey giving up her room and doubling up with Bazine (not that Rey was complaining about that) and helped them through the end of the summer with all the things that came up after Maz’s will was read and the sisters settled into orphaned life once more. He helped Bazine apply to the police academy the next town over. He was already in, even though he had a degree and had originally planned to go to law school, and _somehow_ they managed to go through training together (Rey suspected the mysterious string puller who had helped Maz adopt them had been called upon again). It wasn’t so bad, they were able to be home at night, and a few of Maz’s old friends had volunteered to “keep an eye on” Rey, even though she was absolutely old enough to take care of herself and didn’t need a babysitter.

They got hired into separate departments, and he was pretty scarce, but after a couple of years Ben transferred and he and Bazine ended up partners and it was good again. He didn’t live with them anymore, not after that first summer, but sometimes it felt like he may as well.

He tried to set Baz up on dates, and she always had an excuse for why she “couldn’t right now,” and teased him about maybe worrying more about his own love life than hers. They had pizza and movie nights, and Ben was the secondary emergency contact on all the paperwork for Rey’s school, and eventually they both made detective but moved to different divisions.

They still saw each other—not as much, but he was always a call away if needed. Rey was sure Ben was the only reason she passed AP Chemistry, and when she failed her first calculus quiz, he took her for a hot fudge sundae instead of the well-balanced dinner he had sworn to Bazine they were going to pick up.

Late in her junior year, Snap Wexley invited Rose and Rey to a party at his house. They got there to find no adults, more alcohol than the nearest liquor store, and a bunch of college kids who were already drunk. It wasn’t so bad, and the punch burned but it tasted fairly good. Rey only drank the one cup and kept an eye on Rose and their other friends Finn and Kaydel, but she wasn’t exactly having fun.

Then one of the college guys asked Rey how old she was and she didn’t lie. She told him she was seventeen, and the way he looked at her, that was creepy enough, but then he said, “close enough” and alarm bells went off in her head, setting off her fight or flight instincts.

Bazine was working late. She’d been doing that a lot, lately, and whatever case she was working on was really getting to her.

Rey didn’t even think about it before she called Ben, and then she looked for her friends and did her best to avoid creepy-college-guy. She was successful in keeping the older guy away from her, but she couldn’t find anyone but Rose (who was making out with Snap Wexley and wouldn’t be thrilled if Rey dragged her away, considering how long she’d been chasing him).

Rey slipped outside to wait for Ben, surprised to find him already parked at the curb and just closing the driver’s door on the luxury SUV he’d started driving in the last few months.

He saw her and opened the passenger door, waiting as she crossed the lush lawn. He wanted to lecture her, she could tell, and probably call to have officers break up the party, but he just closed the door once she was inside and stomped back around to get back in while she buckled her seat belt.

She watched him as he drove, hands clenching and unclenching on the steering wheel in the same pattern as his jaw was working to hold back the words she knew he wanted to throw at her.

He really was gorgeous.

She wasn’t sure what possessed her to do it, maybe it was the fact that she’d had a crush on him since she was nine years old, or that now that Rose had made out with Snap Wexley, Rey was the only one of her friends who hadn’t been kissed, or maybe just that the stupid punch was stronger than she realized, but when he pulled into the drive way, she unbuckled her seatbelt and raised up on her knees, leaning in.

He ducked away, putting one of his massive hands on her shoulder and holding her back with little to no effort on his part.

“Rey, kid, don’t. You need to go inside, drink some water, and go to sleep.”

“I’m not a kid! I’m seventeen!”

“Exactly, Rey, you’re only seventeen. You are absolutely a kid, and you’ve been drinking.”

She felt her lip tremble, vision going all blurry. “But I love you!”

“No, you don’t, not like that. And even if you did, it’s wrong and nothing’s ever going to happen. Now, go inside, lock your door, and go to bed.”

He wouldn’t look at her, just glared down at the steering wheel as she ran into the house, dropping her keys twice before she even got the door open, but he did wait until she closed and locked the door, backing out of the drive and tearing off down the street.

She cried herself to sleep, absolutely sure she’d ruined everything, and she’d never see him again and she was doomed to be an old maid and die alone.


	2. Nothing More You Can Take

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey's eighteenth birthday does not go the way she expected.
> 
> _“It’s the case,” Rey said weakly. “It has to be. Whatever he’s been working on. He’s a UC, right? That has to be it.”_
> 
> _Baz took a step back, and the pity on her face was what broke Rey. “No, baby, no, he’s…whatever is happening, he’s on the wrong side.” She paused, looked away for a moment. “Rey, I need you to promise me, okay? If you see him, if he tries to contact you, if…if you even think he might be somewhere nearby, you need to run, get the hell away from him and call 911 and then me, in that order.” Rey blinked, the words not making sense, not yet. “Rey, do you understand?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, did not expect to have another chapter ready quite this soon, but I figure why hold it back?
> 
> [Still Here (Broken, Bleeding) Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5ZMwWaf2CpmTgOscHhXVfz?si=GMLptSoCTqiyRmojw_0pQQ)

He sighed and closed his eyes. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“Neither should you!” She hissed the words, surprising them both with the venom lacing the statement.

“I’m exactly where I need to be, and _you_ are complicating things,” he said, grabbing her arm and practically dragging her out of the corner.

“Ouch! Stop it! You’re hurting me!”

“Not yet, I’m not,” he muttered, and she had to admit (at least to herself) that it was true. He might be bruising her pride, but he was being surprisingly gentle compared to how it must look to the others in the room, not to mention watching on the security monitors.

He stopped and stepped back, and she made an actual pain sound when one of the men (guards? maybe?) stepped up behind her and grabbed her ponytail to jerk her head up, forcing her to straighten her back. He kicked her feet apart before briskly and efficiently checking her for weapons or wires or whatever else it was that they were worried about.

“No marks.” Ben’s voice was gruff, harsh. That and a fractional and momentary narrowing of his eyes the only hints that he might be less than happy with the other man’s treatment of her.

She heard a sound she knew well and flinched away as the man behind her renewed his grip on her hair and moved to cuff her hands behind her back.

She looked at Ben, only at him.

_You won’t hurt me. I know you won’t hurt me._

Eighteen.

Rey practically bounced out of her bed the morning of her birthday, showering in record time, even for her. School was out for the summer, she’d passed all her exams and accepted a scholarship to one of the top universities in the state, and Baz had promised Rey and her friends a day at the beach and as much junk food as she could possibly eat or carry.

Ben was finally going to take her out on his motorcycle.

Things still weren’t the same with him, but he’d let her blame the disastrous attempt to kiss him after Snap Wexley’s party a few months back on alcohol, hormones, and a fictional game of truth or dare.

He was careful not to be alone with her, not that there was much of a chance with as busy as he’d been with whatever huge case he was working. He’d practically stopped hugging her or touching her at all.

She missed them, the innocent touches, the hugs and pats on the back and kisses on the cheek or forehead, just like he gave Baz and used to give Maz.

More than that, she missed his smile.

When they’d first met him, Rey had been very much herself and he’d laughed and smiled and Maz had said she hadn’t seen him that happy or amused in a very long time.

She hadn’t seen Ben smile in months. Pulling her hair back and checking one more time to make sure the string of her bikini top was tied securely, Rey resolved to change that.

For her birthday, she wanted to see Detective Ben Solo smile, just like he used to. Even if it meant he thought she was an amusing, dumb kid.

She practically ran down the stairs and into the kitchen and skidded to a stop. Bazine was at the table and she looked like she’d been crying.

“Baz?”

Her sister jumped and turned in her chair, nearly falling out of it. “Oh, hey! You startled me! Didn’t realize you’d be up, yet.” Baz smiled, big and bright and forced. “Happy birthday, Doe-Rey-Mi!”

Rey stared at her and waited, but Baz seemed determined to pretend everything was fine.

Rey crossed her arms. “What’s happened? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing babe! Just tired—long night, you know. But it’s your birthday so staying up all night so we can spend the day together was worth it.”

She sounded almost frantic.

“You’re scaring me, Baz.”

Bazine stood and pushed the chair back in, then carried her mug to the counter and the ancient coffeemaker. “Don’t be silly, Rey-Mi. Everything’s fine. Now, pancakes or waffles?”

“Baz! You’re still wearing your gun and you won’t look at me. You’re the one who’s always telling me to trust my gut. What’s happened? Is someone hurt?” She gasped as something occurred to her. “Is it Ben? Is he okay?”

Baz stiffened, frozen in place for a moment before her shoulders slumped like she was collapsing in on herself. “He’s fine, Rey,” she said flatly, “Physically at least.”

Panic. Panic and alarm bells going off inside her. “What does that mean?”

“I can’t…Rey, _please._ ” Her voice broke and Rey thought she was crying again.

Bazine hadn’t cried since the cancer ran its course and Maz died in the stupid, blasted hospice bed that had ruled over the living room for two months. Not even a single, solitary tear since the day of the funeral.

She needed to know. Bazine had to tell her.

“What is it? Did you two get into some kind of fight or something?” Bazine just shook her head and Rey got angry. “Fine! I’ll just ask him when he gets here.”

“He’s not coming, Rey.” Now Bazine’s voice was hard, cold, and Rey flinched just at the tone.

“What do you mean? Of course he is. It’s my birthday. He wouldn’t miss it. He promised. He said—"

"He's dirty, Rey," Baz said, cutting off her protests. "Ben Solo or whatever the hell he's calling himself now is a dirty cop—a _criminal_ —and if you ever see him again, you turn your ass around and run the other way, do you hear me?"

Rey nodded dumbly, shocked and numb. Ben? The same Ben who taught her how to balance equations and bought her ice cream when she failed her first calculus quiz and picked her up and took her home without hesitation when she called from the first (and last) party she went to? It couldn't be true...it just couldn't.

But Bazine sounded afraid. For so long, Rey had believed nothing scared her sister because Bazine did not show any sign of fear—ever.

She took a shaky breath, wanting to ask a question but unsure what that question should even be.

“Babe, Rey-Mi, I’m sorry.” Rey let Baz hug her but she didn’t hug back, just stood frozen in her shock. “I didn’t…I wanted to wait, at least, until after today. He’s…there was some kind of investigation, I don’t know details, just a few rumors, and the brass told me he’s dangerous. I…whatever shit he’s involved in is major.”

“It’s the case,” Rey said weakly. “It has to be. Whatever he’s been working on. He’s a UC, right? That has to be it.”

Baz took a step back, and the pity on her face was what broke Rey. “No, baby, no, he’s…whatever is happening, he’s on the wrong side.” She paused, looked away for a moment. “Rey, I need you to promise me, okay? If you see him, if he tries to contact you, if…if you even _think_ he might be somewhere nearby, you need to run, get the hell away from him and call 911 and then me, _in that order._ ” Rey blinked, the words not making sense, not yet. “Rey, do you understand?”

She nodded once, slowly, then again, a thrashing jerk of her head. Baz pulled her close again, stroking Rey’s hair as she cried while the butt of her gun poked into Rey’s ribs. “Rey-Mi, I am so sorry,” Baz offered in a broken whisper. “I know you’ve always…” she shook her head and stepped back.

“It’s okay, you can say it. I’ve always had a stupid, obvious crush on him.”

“No, babe, it wasn’t stupid. Nothing about you could ever be stupid.” Baz swiped her thumbs over Rey’s cheeks, wiping away the tears just as fresh ones fell. “He’s just not worthy of my little sister’s adoration. I’m not sure anyone ever could be.”

Rey called Rose and asked her to let everyone else know the birthday plans were canceled (or at least postponed), not feeling much like celebrating anymore. She knew the fact that she called instead of texting would be enough to convince Rose to do as she asked without questioning it right away, not when she could hear how upset Rey was.

Oh, she would ask. She definitely would. But later, after Rey had some time. Rose would come over, Finn and Kaydel in tow, and the three of them would flop onto Rey’s bed with her and wallow in misery with her until she was ready to tell them as much as she wanted to, as much as she could.

It was how the four of them worked. They supported each other, respected the need to wallow, then dragged each other back into the world when it was time.

They’d done it when the news came about Paige’s accident while she’d been on a semester abroad, and sophomore year when one of the idiots on the lacrosse team outed Finn, when Kaydel caught her boyfriend cheating on her with his twenty-two-year-old stepmother.

Just…in the past…Ben had always been there too, waiting until they were ready, and he’d followed along when they braved the great outdoors again, and bought them ice cream and sodas and all the things Baz wouldn’t keep in the house because they weren’t healthy (she’d gone on a real health kick after Maz got sick, and Rey’d had to sneak every bit of processed sugar she’d had since).

But this time Ben wouldn’t be there.

Hopefully.

Because if he showed up, she would have to make the call to turn him in.

She rolled over and buried her face in her pillow.

First Order. KOR, short for the Knights of Ren. Snoke.

They were all names and organizations she’d heard, of course—everyone who knew a single LEO or local government official had, not to mention those living in the neighborhoods near where they were based.

There were rumors of all kinds of depraved, illegal activity, but nothing that anyone could ever prove. A couple years back, there had even been charges filed, but they didn’t stick. The case had been thrown out, she’d heard Baz and Ben cursing about it, mumbling about things like the chain of evidence and incompetent patrol officers.

She had to wonder, now, if it had been because of Ben, if he’d done something.

He’d definitely started to pull away more, working longer hours, making excuses for broken plans.

Dressing better.

Working out more and bulking up.

Rey sucked in a breath, wondering why she hadn’t seen it then.

But no, that was stupid. She was projecting. There was no proof, even Baz admitted there was no real, hard evidence against him. Supposedly he’d resigned to take a private security job. Yeah, it was for Mr. Snoke himself, but there was no proof the man had any ties to First Order or KOR, or that those two ‘clubs’ were even linked to each other.

It was all gossip.

She wasn’t going to believe gossip.

Which was why, when she found the package on the back porch that night, she didn’t tell Bazine. She just picked it up and hugged it to her, peering out into the darkness as if he’d suddenly just appear there in the yard.

She shook her head at herself. She was being ridiculous. Whatever was happening, Ben Solo wasn’t watching her, wasn’t waiting in the shadows to profess his love and explain how it was all just a big mistake.

But he had, at least, left her a birthday present.

She didn’t open it, just traced the letters on the tiny card tied on to the green satin ribbon that had been wrapped around and formed into a large bow.

LB.

Only Ben had ever called her Lil Bit, and when she got old enough to find it embarrassing (although she had pretended it was annoyance), he’d shortened it to LB, and sometimes called her Ellie or Ellie-Bee (which was just as ridiculous, but she’d never minded as long as Ben was the one saying it—she probably would have even let him get away with Doe-Rey-Mi and not even had Baz beat him up for it).

Rey closed the door to her bedroom and crept to the closet, digging around for the duffel bag on the top shelf. She pulled it down and put it on the foot of the bed, unzipping it quickly and removing the couple of tote bags, purses (mostly gifts from friends), and her backpack before feeling along the bottom. There were wheels and a handle, so the bottom of the bag had one of those stiff panels to separate the bag’s contents from the hardware for all of that. She grabbed the neatly wrapped package and tucked it in—yes, a perfect fit!

She couldn’t open it, not yet. She wasn’t ready.

But she couldn’t get rid of it either and if Bazine found out…well, it was better to hide it.

She didn’t open it the next day either.

Or the next week when she finally had her postponed beach day.

Baz even bought her donuts, the kind rolled in powdered sugar.

The kind Ben would have brought to her while Baz pretended not to know.

Rey pulled the present from it’s hiding place, licking the sugar off the last donut while she stared at it.

It was probably a keychain, or maybe a pen or some kind of jewelry, based on the box. She licked her fingers clean and dried them on her comforter before tracing the LB again, then running the ribbon lightly through her fingers, taking care not to untie the careful, even bow.

The last bite of donut weighed heavy in her stomach as she put the box back into its hiding place.

Maybe next week.

But the next week she forgot, and the week after that, until another month passed, and then it was time for the flurry of activity that came with preparing to move into her dorm for the first semester of college. Rose had gotten in to Coruscant University too, and since they both had scholarships, they had applied and been assigned to the same dorm room, even though Rey knew Rose could have had a private room.

She found the package again when she was unpacking, because a sock had slipped under the edge of the flap in the bottom of the bag. She froze when she saw it, hoping Rose didn’t hear the gasp.

No such luck.

Her roommate—one of her best friends—practically jumped across the room, leaning around Rey. “What is it? Contraband snacks? Money you forgot about? A secret condom stash?”

The teasing tone and smile disappeared when she saw Rey’s face.

“Rey?”

Rey shook her head. “Sorry, nothing, I just forgot I put this in my bag.”

Rose looked at the package, the satin ribbon and expensive, holographic paper, and the handwriting on the tag, suspicion and sympathy creeping into her eyes. “Who’s LB?”

Rey cleared her throat, blinked. “Me,” she said, “I am.”

“Is this from…?”

“Yeah,” Rey said quietly.

“Your sister doesn’t know.” It wasn’t a question. She winced as Rose’s fingers dug into her shoulder, her friend forcing her to turn and meet the fiercely protective, worried gaze as she demanded to know, “Rey…Rey have you seen him? Are you still in contact?”

“No, no, it’s not like that. He…it was on the porch, the night of my birthday. For all I know he left it the day before. I just…I never opened it, I couldn’t, but I couldn’t tell Baz about it either and then I kind of forgot.”

“ _Rey._ ”

“Please, Rosie, not now, not today.” She dropped the package on the foot of the bed. “Come on,” Rey said, grabbing Rose’s hands and tugging her to the door. “Let’s go see if our meal plans are activated yet.”

Rose grumbled about it but let Rey drag her away, and they ate too much and maybe brought a few things back to the room for later, and the package was still there on the foot of Rey’s bed when they got back.

She waited three more days, until Rose was at her first night class, before removing the ribbon and folding it neatly, then carefully peeling back the paper. It was thick enough that the tape just came off without tearing the paper or peeling up the pattern.

The box was black, made of a textured, sturdy cardboard and her hand trembled as she pulled the lid off.

She was still crying when Rose came back, the filigreed locket open and clutched in her hand. On the front, a flat disc of contrastingly dark metal had been engraved with a honeybee, and inside were pictures of Bazine and Rey at her graduation, and the first picture of the sisters and Mama Maz.

Ben had taken them both.


	3. Broke in Two, Left Behind You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey's pretty sure Ben's been watching her, and it makes her feel safe. Does it matter if she's just going through the motions, waiting for him to come back to her?
> 
> _She felt his hand on her back, the other on her shoulder, gently but firmly holding her in place. “No, don’t turn around. You’re not supposed to see me, remember?” She drew in a breath to speak, lips parting, and the hand on her shoulder moved, fingers pressing over her mouth. “Don’t talk to me, either. Just nod.” She did so, a quick, jerky dip of her chin. “Always such a good girl,” he said softly, and she wondered if he meant her to hear it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Please See Updated Tags**
> 
> Um, y'all, I think the rating will be moving up, too.
> 
> Also, this story is trying to turn a LOT darker than I originally envisioned. I hesitate to call it darkfic yet (and that's not something I've really written), but definitely some darker themes and issues than I intended to explore here in more than just a passing mention. It's okay if you want to back out now. Nothing in this chapter, really, except what Baz and Rose would call stalking and Rey finds comforting; and the bit with Snoke in the beginning.

Snoke’s fingers were gnarled, spidery, too long for his hands, but his grip was strong as his fingertips dug into the sides of her face when he cupped her chin. Rey could feel her teeth cutting into her skin on the inside of her mouth, and as he squeezed just that bit tighter, she tasted blood.

“Really, Kylo Ren? _This_ is what you bring me?”

“She brought herself.” Ben’s voice, but not. It sounded different, gravelly and wrong.

Snoke released her and she stumbled, sitting down hard on the concrete at his feet. She heard the fluttering, rasping sounds of small movements behind her, and Snoke’s eyes flicked past Rey then back down at her and he smiled. She shivered at the chilling expression.

“Well, I suppose after a good grooming and some training, she might make a passable pet, hm?”

His beady eyes focused on a high point behind her (Ben, he had to be looking at Ben).

“Vicrul, see to it she is prepared.”

She yelped as one of the men who’d been following Ben stepped forward and hauled her up by the arm, dragging her from the room.

She almost imagined she heard a protest from somewhere behind her, and a scuffling noise like Ben had taken a step. She stumbled and tried to look back, but the man—this Vicrul guy—just kept walking, hauling her along like a piece of awkward luggage.

She didn’t see him, but he was there. Sometimes, anyway. It was like Rey could sense him, feel his eyes on her as she crossed the quad, rushing to class, or returned to her dorm after her study group met in the library until closing.

He didn’t try to contact her, didn’t let her see _him._

But she knew he’d been there.

She didn’t say anything to Rose, never told Baz. After all, she didn’t see him, he didn’t contact her. It could just be an overactive (hopeful) imagination.

 _Could_.

She knew better though.

Whatever else he had going on, whatever questionable things he had gotten himself into, Ben Solo was watching her.

It made her feel safe. Loved. Gave her hope.

Sometimes she’d think she almost saw him, dark hair towering above the crowd, or she’d turn the corner and suddenly smell his cologne—the one he wore on special occasions that was probably too expensive for a cop’s salary—and something inside her would cry out at having just missed him.

She looked for him everywhere, in every face in the crowd, sought his silhouette in every shadow.

She was, maybe, borderline obsessive about it.

It was inevitable, really, that Rose noticed.

And staged an intervention.

Well, sort of…there was a confrontation, anyway, and Rose _called_ it an intervention, but really it was Rose and Finn cornering Rey (with Kaydel on speaker) outside the library one afternoon between her afternoon and evening classes. They knew Rey had a break, and on the long weekends that Finn came to visit they usually got lunch or hung out on the lawn near the library at that time.

It shouldn’t have been shocking, really (okay, fine, it wasn’t) but it still hurt.

In fact, it hurt enough that she maybe stormed off and shut off her mobile and decided to go for a drive to calm down. It wasn’t like she needed to be in her last class of the day anyway. The professor was one of the rare few who didn’t enforce the attendance policy so long as all assignments were completed and turned in on time and everyone showed up for scheduled quizzes and exams.

Rey just liked something about the way Dr. Skywalker approached the subject. It was comforting in a weird, almost familiar sort of way.

And so, the drive. Probably a long one. There was a national park not terribly far away, just before the state line at the edge of the next county, and one of the overlooks had become a favorite place when she wanted to be alone.

She turned onto the Bail Organa Memorial Highway and headed west, thinking she’d maybe have a junk food picnic, calm down a bit, and then head back and try to make up with Rose and Finn (and Kaydel, too, of course—assuming she would answer any calls or texts).

Unfortunately, the driving only served to make her think of Ben. He’d been the one to teach her how, claiming he couldn’t inflict another person who drove like Bazine on the world.

She stopped at the county line (which was less than twenty minutes from campus) to fill the tank and grab some snacks and a drink and decide whether she was ready to head back or still going to follow through with her plan to head into the park.

Rey glanced up at the sky. The clouds had been threatening to unleash for days, but so far nothing had happened and the sky looked pretty much the same as it had all week.

She wasn’t ready to go back, not yet, and at mid afternoon on a Friday what little traffic there was would be headed the other way. She frowned up at the clouds one more time, zipped her jacket up the rest of the way, and got back into her car.

She made it to the overlook and stepped out, shivering in the cooler air of the higher elevation. It was getting dark more quickly than she had realized, and the wind was picking up.

She realized what a mistake it had been coming up by herself without even telling anyone where she was going as the first snowflakes fell.

Was it cold enough for snow?

She hadn’t thought so, but it seemed she’d thought wrong. She cursed and fumbled at the door handle, nearly falling back into the driver’s seat when the door opened.

When the engine failed to turn over, she got a little nervous. Not panicky, really. But then she remembered the mobile signal was spotty at the best of times, and with the current conditions…

Okay, she was panicky.

She could fix whatever it was, she was sure, but she’d have to be able to see, and possibly need more tools than she had.

She yelped at the knock on her window.

Rey wrapped both hands around the mug in front of her, warming them a moment before picking it up and taking a sip of the hot cocoa then returning it to the tabletop and looking up at the man across from her.

“What?” she questioned, as his lips quirked and he glanced away, one hand toying absently with his coffee cup.

“You, ah, you have whipped cream on your nose,” he muttered, facing the window as he laughed.

Rey wiped at her nose with the napkin he passed her and shrugged. “It happens.”

She hadn’t recognized him at first, and her initial response had been a mix of terror and hope, when she had looked out the car window and seen a tall man in jeans and a black leather jacket, following it up to a dark motorcycle helmet. The hope had died by the time she reached his shoulders, before he even removed the helmet.

He’d leaned down and looked at her through the window. “Are you okay?”

She’d seen him before, she knew that much, but couldn’t figure out where. She’d nodded, hesitantly, because other than terrified and a little cold she _was_ physically fine—for the moment at least—and she didn’t actually know this man.

“You should get out of here. Storm’s only going to get worse.”

It finally clicked where she’d seen him—on campus, in the science building.

She opened the door and he stepped back, letting her climb out of the car. “Car won’t start,” she admitted. “I think I know what it is but I need light and more tools to fix it.”

“Rey, right? Second row, just left of center, in Dr. Skywalker’s four o’clock honors chem lecture.”

She nodded, hesitant again. This guy definitely wasn’t in the class, but she’d seen him talking to Dr. Skywalker a few times.

“I’m his TA,” he added and she gasped.

“ _You’re_ Paul!”

He nodded and they both shivered as the wind gusted again, swirling small snowflakes into them as if they’d been angrily hurled.

“Yeah, I’m teaching one of his labs at the same time, so he has someone else help with your class. Listen, I know you don’t know me, but it’s getting bad and staying here would be really dangerous. Will you let me take you back to campus? It will probably all melt off the roads by lunch tomorrow, and someone can bring you back to your car then.” He gestured over his shoulder at the motorcycle and she hesitated again, more because of the bike than the fact that she didn’t really _know_ this man.

“I have an extra helmet, and we’ll have to go pretty slow in these conditions, but it’s faster than walking.”

She’d nodded and accepted the helmet, grabbing her bag from the car and hanging a rag out the door before locking it (not that anyone would want the vehicle or anything in it).

Paul stopped at the first diner still open and insisted Rey call or text “whoever she needed to that would be worried” while they warmed up. He offered to take her back to campus or wait for someone to come get her if she was more comfortable with that.

She took him up on the offer of a ride, unsure if that was because she liked him as a person and potential friend, just wanted to be on the back of the bike a little longer since she’d never gotten her birthday ride, or just wasn’t ready to face Rose and Finn quite yet.

She begged off talking to Rose and Finn before bed, insisting she wasn’t angry anymore and understood, but needed to sleep, and the next morning Rey was up and out of the room before Rose or Finn woke up, meeting Paul to go back and collect her car.

He was nice, helpful, and he knew enough about engines that they had her car running again in half the time it would have taken Rey alone. She bought him lunch at the same diner as a thanks for helping her out and it was…surprisingly pleasant.

He’d hesitantly asked for her number and after some hesitation of her own she’d agreed.

Rose and Finn had headed out for dinner and then a party at one of the frat houses, invited by a guy Finn had met and really liked, when Paul sent her a text. It was a fairly long one, telling her he’d enjoyed meeting her, that he’d looked into it and there was no issue since he wasn’t the TA for her class, and asked if she’d let him take her out sometime.

She didn’t answer, just grabbed her things and headed to the library, claiming one of the basement study rooms for herself.

She hadn’t realized anyone was in the room until she heard movement behind her and felt someone gently push her against the far wall.

She started to fight (of course she did) but froze when she heard him speak, and smelled his cologne.

“Rey.”

_Ben._

Rey opened her mouth, but no sound came out, all the words she wanted—needed—to say trapped in her throat as she tried to turn, wanting to see his face and throw her arms around him.

She felt his hand on her back, the other on her shoulder, gently but firmly holding her in place. “No, don’t turn around. You’re not supposed to see me, remember?” She drew in a breath to speak, lips parting, and the hand on her shoulder moved, fingers pressing over her mouth. “Don’t talk to me, either. Just nod.” She did so, a quick, jerky dip of her chin. “Always such a good girl,” he said softly, and she wondered if he meant her to hear it.

He moved again, stepping forward and pulling her back against his chest, arms folding around her from behind. He must have leaned down, because she could feel his forehead pressed against the crown of her head, nose buried in her hair. Her arms folded over his own, holding him back the only way she could from this angle.

His voice was hoarse, husky, and she wondered if he’d been sick recently. Maybe that was all it was…but some small, stubborn, desperate part of her insisted it was just further proof he felt _something_ for her, that being so close to her, seeing her now, was too much for him somehow.

“You have to stop, Ellie Bee. Stop looking, stop _waiting_. The man you knew is gone. He isn’t ever coming back, and I need you to live your life.” His arms tightened. “Promise me, Lil Bit, promise you will.”

She felt it, the burning in her nose, behind her eyes, the lump in her throat, and she tried, she really did, but it was like her whole body was in on it, some giant conspiracy, as her breath caught and her limbs trembled and she sniffed once, twice, bit her lip to hold back…but the sob escaped. Then another, and her knees gave out, but he didn’t let her fall, just held her through it, one of his hands coming up to rest on her head, the other arm still wrapped around her. Her own hands moved up to cover her face and he leaned in, lips brushing against her ear, as he whispered soothing nonsense while she cried, grieving for the man who was _right there_.

It wasn’t fair, and she said as much, the words choked out around another of the never-ending sobs.

“I know,” he whispered, broken and rough. “It’s not, it never has been, but you’re on the right path and I need you to stay on it. Promise me, Ellie Bee, promise me you’ll finish school and live your life. You’ll fall in love and make a few dumb choices that give you good stories, and then go out and change the fucking world. I need you to do that for me, Rey. Please.”

She knew what he was waiting for, heard the pain in his words, felt the desperate tension in the way his arms had both wrapped around her once more.

Rey knew what she had to do.

She took a shuddering breath and nodded.

“That’s my Lil Bit,” he said, the slightest bit of tension leaving him as he took a deep breath. “Close your eyes.”

She did it instantly, trusting him even as he turned her around and pressed her back against the wall. “Keep them closed,” he whispered, hands cupping either side of her face. “You never saw me,” he breathed, almost against her lips as he pressed his forehead to hers. “Never saw me, I wasn’t here, and this didn’t happen,” he finished in a rush, and then she felt it, the press of his lips against hers, quick and chaste and earth-shattering.

“Keep them closed,” he whispered again when he pulled away. “Eyes closed, count to 12,” he said, and she knew he was leaving her…again, and for good.

But she did what he asked, counting slowly to twelve, their magic number from when he’d humored her ten-year-old self and played hide and seek in the back yard.

“One…two…three…”

One final brush of what she thought was his thumb over the apple of her cheek, the side of her face, along her jaw to her chin.

“Four…five…”

Something soft pressed into her hand.

“Six…seven…eight…nine…”

Hurried footsteps across the small room and the creak of the door opening.

“Ten…”

The faintest click as it closed again.

“Eleven…”

Heavy steps heading for the back exit, where the lower-level restrooms and the stairs were.

“Twelve.”

The clang of the heavy door echoed through the hushed stacks.

“Ready or not, here I come,” she finished in a whisper, words fading into silence as she looked at what he’d placed in her hand.

It was white, fine silk, with a hint of red. She spread out the crumpled fabric, revealing a handkerchief, monogrammed with the initials K.R. in a deep red.

It smelled like his cologne.

She took a breath, waiting for the tears that just wouldn’t come, instead feeling a headache building behind her eyes, and an echoing ache in her chest and gut.

At least she got a goodbye.

There definitely wouldn’t be any more homework or revising for the night, so she packed up her things, stopped off to wash her face, and then stood staring up at the back stairs for a moment, unable to lift her foot. She clutched the handkerchief in a tight fist and turned, headed resolutely for the main stairs and the lifts.

Once back in her still-empty dorm, Rey sat on her bed, running the bit of silk through her fingers and staring at her closet for nearly an hour before crossing the room and pulling the box from the top shelf. It was a sturdy, glossy cardboard, originally intended for storing photographs. She opened the lid and removed the smaller box from her birthday necklace, a stack of movie tickets (some nearing ten years old), and a series of birthday and holiday cards, still in their once crisp, heavy envelopes. There, on the bottom, a plastic zippered baggie with her greatest secret treasure—another silk handkerchief, identical to the one in her hand in all but one respect: the initials BS in a bold blue.

He gave it to her the day of Mama Maz’s funeral, and one to Baz too, and told them they could keep them. Probably, he just didn’t want to have to touch the tears and snot and running make up, but Rey hadn’t cared. She’d laundered it carefully, maybe stolen a spritz of his cologne so it would smell kind of like him again and folded it neatly before sealing it in the bag.

The new one joined it, the red (wrong) initials glaring and harsh beside the deep blue.

She returned everything else to its place, pausing with the necklace box in her hand. She removed the lid, ran her fingers over the neatly folded ribbon inside, then reached up to the chain around her neck, determined to put this last keepsake away, and maybe hope that the knowledge she’d taken it off (because he had to still be watching her; he _had_ to) and packed it away would hurt him, at least a little, even though it was nothing compared to her own pain.

Her fingers fumbled at the catch, trembling too hard to undo the clasp, and she gave up in frustration, jerking her arms down to pound at the mattress.

She was weak, too weak to take off a stupid necklace.

The chain caught on her sleeve and broke, and she cried out as if she’d snapped as well.

Maybe that wasn’t so far off. He wanted her to live? Move on as if he never existed? _Fine._

She waited two days before finally answering Paul’s text.

_Yes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time jump in next chapter, basically a recap of college and jump to after graduation.
> 
> [Still Here (Broken, Bleeding) Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5ZMwWaf2CpmTgOscHhXVfz?si=GMLptSoCTqiyRmojw_0pQQ)


	4. Tell Me Where You've Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz is injured in the line of duty, and it seems someone set her up.
> 
> _“Have you had any contact with Solo?”_
> 
> _Rey was unable to contain her gasp, mouth dropping open and eyes wide with shock. “You don’t seriously believe he had anything to do with this. No matter what happened, he would never hurt Baz. Or me. Not like this.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note on warnings/tags for this chapter:  
> The opening flash forward scene involves coercion/non-con, and this is the chapter where Baz is injured. See End Notes for more details if you need to.
> 
> **Rating increased.** Change applies to FUTURE chapters, not this one.
> 
> Chapter count is tentative, but I am trying to do this in two fairly even parts. This is the end of part 1. Also, the  
> [Still Here (Broken, Bleeding) Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5ZMwWaf2CpmTgOscHhXVfz?si=GMLptSoCTqiyRmojw_0pQQ) has been updated with 1 more song. It's another version of track #1, Reach, the source of the story and chapter titles.

“An improvement I suppose,” Snoke said, drawing her attention and holding a hand out as if expecting her to take it from across the room. “Well, come on, girl, I don’t have all day.” Vicrul—it was definitely him based on the grip—grabbed her just above the elbow and dragged her through the doorway and across the room, into the center of the circle of men surrounding Snoke. The man who had steadied her with a polite, supportive hand on her back when she stumbled in the heels followed silently. The others had removed their custom motorcycle helmets and stood at a soldier’s rest, evenly spaced in a ring around their boss.

Ben was directly across from Snoke, the two of them the only ones in suits.

She glanced at the other men each in turn, surprised somehow that they were all fairly young and not unattractive. She skidded and stumbled to a stop in front of Snoke and he reached out, grabbing her chin again and tilting her head left, then right. “She’ll have to do,” he muttered, before turning his attention to the man across from him. “Step forward, Kylo,” he ordered, and she sensed the movement behind her as Ben moved closer.

Her attention returned to Snoke when he spun her around and shoved down. “On your knees girl, it’s time for a lesson.” She caught the flicker of distaste on Ben’s face, and she suspected Snoke did as well. “What are you waiting for,” Snoke hissed as he shoved the back of her head forward hard enough she lost her balance, wincing as her nose smashed into Ben’s thigh. “Start with his belt.”

Rey couldn’t hear over the blood rushing in her ears. She hadn’t really ever…and not in front of…and _Ben._ She couldn’t. His hands flexed, balled into fists so tight that his knuckles were already white, but he couldn’t hide the… _interest_ …his body had at the idea. She dared a look up into his eyes, seeing the pain and horror there, and knew the ‘lesson’ wasn’t for her. She tried to offer a weak but reassuring smile, knowing she probably looked more like she was going to be sick, and reached up to grasp his belt buckle with trembling hands.

_I know you won’t hurt me._

“No.”

The denial was firm and gruff…and from somewhere to her left.

“What was that, Ap’lek?” Snoke sneered at the man who’d steadied her as she made the trek back to the room after being “prepared.”

The man her instincts kept screaming she knew, who was in the process of lifting off his custom helmet.

The man whose face she definitely recognized.

She spoke before she could stop herself, too shocked to even think. “Paul?”

They dated for almost a year, before Paul ended things, telling her he just couldn’t keep sharing her with the ghost of a memory. It hurt more than she would have expected, and it was that fact which told her she could have loved him, if there had been any space left in her heart.

She suspected he’d meant it when he’d muttered that he loved her in an unguarded moment, thinking she was asleep and wouldn’t hear him.

It didn’t matter though. In the end he still left her, just like everyone always did.

Just like Ben.

Rey threw herself into her studies, volunteer work, part time jobs, and anything else she could to avoid dating or (more to the point) facing the fact that in that respect she was just meant to be alone.

After graduation she moved back home, because Bazine was alone too, and at least they would always have each other.

Rose was a first year teacher, almost an hour away. They got together when they could, but it wasn’t as often as they would have liked.

Kaydel and her boyfriend had eloped on Kay’s twenty-second birthday and moved to the other side of the country. She was blissfully happy, Dopheld clearly adored her and they had all wholeheartedly accepted him into their friend group based on that alone. Rey probably heard from the pair of them more than she heard from Rose and Finn combined.

Finn was a social worker and still in town, only a few blocks away really, living with his boyfriend Poe. Rey expected an engagement announcement within six months. Their schedules didn’t line up well, but they did make an effort to see one another when possible, and both Finn and Poe checked in with her often.

It wasn’t a bad life. Peaceful. And she had what she needed for the most part.

Rey hadn’t quite figured out what to do with herself though. She’d changed majors halfway through, and found that in the end she couldn’t do a lot with her degree, but she enjoyed working with her hands and had stumbled into a job at a local auto shop. The owner was amazing, her coworkers had instantly adopted her, and she stayed busy. The pay was better than she expected, too, and suddenly she was twenty-four and had been there three years and realized she didn’t _want_ to leave.

But it still felt like she was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It was 10:17 AM on a bright and sunny Tuesday morning when it did.

She got a phone call, frantic voicemail she thankfully didn’t check until much later, and a visit at work from Bazine’s partner, Detective Din Djarin, and their commanding officer, Captain Gwen Phasma.

Rey didn’t really process what they were telling her, couldn’t do more than catch words and phrases here and there.

_Accident reported…_

_Routine call…_

_Knife…_

_Vests aren’t designed to stop piercing attacks._

She let them take her to the hospital, unable to remember how they’d even gotten there when another officer helped her out of the car. Din steadied her as they entered the building. Rey moved on autopilot, letting them lead her to a crowded waiting room, nearly bursting with cops of all flavors, some plain clothes and other in uniform, and more who were off duty and had dropped everything to show up and offer their support when an officer down call went out. Some of them were accompanied by significant others and a few had their older teenage or adult children with them.

It was too much, too many people, and there was no air left in the room. Phasma practically dragged her back the few feet into the hallway and Din followed with the closest (extremely uncomfortable) chair.

The walls swam dangerously as Phasma _ordered_ her to ‘get it together and breathe’ and it sounded enough like Baz when she’d finally had enough of Rey’s nonsense as kids that it worked.

It took a few minutes, but she calmed enough to accept a soggy paper cup of water someone handed off to Din without sloshing all of the contents onto her lap. She managed a few sips—enough to effectively empty the small cup, and leaned her head back against the wall, eyes closed for a moment before she looked up at the pair of them.

“What happened to my sister?”

They shared a glance, something passing unsaid between them, before the captain nodded her assent, looking toward the nurses’ station and back to the crowded waiting room before addressing Bazine’s partner. “Keep it short, and we should go somewhere more private.”

The hospital staff let them use a small consultation room that wasn’t needed at the moment, but they were brusquely informed by the nurse who let them in that should that change they would be expected to clear out immediately. They’d nodded their agreement and settled in at the small table.

The pair glanced at one another again, and it made Rey more certain than ever that whatever had happened was more than a chance encounter during a routine call.

It was confirmed when Din started speaking.

“It was—it _should_ have been—routine. There was a call about a suspicious vehicle. Normally the nearest uniformed patrol unit would have been dispatched, but Baz and I were closer, maybe a block away. She was teasing me about it, said it would be fun to ‘get back to our roots’ and then she called me an old man.” A fond smile flitted across his face. “But when we arrived…”

He trailed off and shook his head, eyes focused somewhere other than the current room. He stared at the tabletop as he continued.

“We were approaching the car, everything completely normal, when two other vehicles came out of nowhere, penned me in, and one of the passengers was on her before either of us could even do anything. He had a knife, possibly more than one, and he knew what he was doing with it.”

He paused, a mix of anger and shame weighing him down, causing a tightening in his shoulders and jaw.

“It was maybe two or three minutes, at most, from the time they showed up to the moment I got to her side after they sped off.” He looked up at Rey, his eyes suddenly a decade older than the man she’d known for years now. “I’m sorry, Rey. I should have been faster, _better_ , never should have let her goad me into taking the call.”

Rey reached out, covered his hand with her own. She didn’t speak, couldn’t really, and there weren’t any words that would make him feel better about it all.

“Rey,” Phasma began, and she was just suddenly _on_ , shifted back into cop mode, all impassive face and icy gaze, with a hard edge to her voice. “Rey, it’s clear this was a set up. Someone was specifically targeting your sister.”

Rey managed to hold her gaze. Yes, some part of her had realized that.

“Have you had any contact with Solo?”

Rey was unable to contain her gasp, mouth dropping open and eyes wide with shock. “You don’t seriously believe he had anything to do with this. No matter what happened, he would _never_ hurt Baz. Or me. Not like this.”

“Rey, I don’t… _please_ , just answer the question.”

Somehow it was seeing the Captain break, the almost desperate way she said please that did it. It calmed Rey enough to think logically, to address the question as she realized this had transitioned into an unofficial interrogation.

“I, no, I haven’t seen or heard from Ben Solo since I was eighteen.” _When he told me goodbye and made me keep my eyes closed and kissed me…_

“But you _did_ hear from him after Baz warned you off, didn’t you?”

She licked her lips, nodded slowly. “I, yes, he was…watching me, I guess, for a few months. He left me a birthday present, when I was eighteen, and…”

Phasma stared expectantly, clearly impatient but apparently forcing herself to wait.

“He came to see me, to tell me goodbye that fall. He…I never saw him, you see, he made me keep my back turned, told me he was never coming back, and then he left. I haven’t heard from him since.”

“Rey, this is important—did he give you anything?”

She blinked. “No, well, a handkerchief with his stupid new initials on it, like it was supposed to prove he wasn’t Ben Solo anymore.” Rey crossed her arms and glared at the table, glancing back up when Phasma cursed.

“Damn, I was hoping…” she shook her head and rubbed at her brow. “No matter. Look, Rey, I don’t think Solo did this, but whoever it was—” The captain broke off mid-sentence and shared another meaning-laden look with Din before continuing, “Whoever did this, I am sure it was a message for Ben Solo. They didn’t kill your sister but they could have—easily—and…Rey, I believe you’re in danger.”

She refused police protection. Din and Phasma had flat out admitted they believed Ben was still watching her (or having someone else do it) and she didn’t say so but that made her feel safer than her own personal SWAT team could.

It wasn’t like she’d be going home any time soon anyway, and there would be officers stationed outside Bazine’s room when she was moved out of recovery and assigned to one.

Rey would be perfectly safe. She didn’t need a babysitter…or at least not _another_ one she thought, staring at Din and Phasma, and maybe looking around for Ben or someone working for him.

_Maybe_ …

Okay, fine, she was, she always did, she just hadn’t admitted it to herself for a very long time.

By the time Bazine was in a room, Rose, Poe, and Finn had all shown up, and Kaydel and Dopheld were boarding a red-eye flight, despite vigorous protests from Rey. It wasn’t just the whole ‘Rey and Baz are targets and everyone around them is in danger’ thing, either. Rey was already overwhelmed, feeling crowded, and worried she was just one more well-meaning hug away from spiraling headlong into another panic attack.

Fortunately, Finn was the voice of reason (as was often but not always the case) and helped her convince Rose and Poe to go for the night. They all had work the next day, and Rose had a very long drive back.

Seeing them out and the end of visiting hours left Rey alone with Bazine and Captain Phasma.

Baz likely wouldn’t wake until morning, but she was stable and had been talking in her sleep, mumbling about kittens and honeybees and lightning in a bottle when the hospital staff brought her into the room. The doctor had allowed Rey to stay despite visiting hours being over, and she suspected it was due to Gwen Phasma’s influence.

Rey studied the blonde woman across from her. She looked completely exhausted, but refused to even relax, standing up, stretching, and then pacing the room every time she yawned. She wasn’t the officer on babysitting duty…er, protective detail, yet she refused to leave.

It was a specific behavior Rey recognized, and as the thought occurred to her, several things clicked into place.

“Gwen? Sit down, please,” she said gently, surprising the other woman with the use of her given name rather than title or surname. Rey could tell she wanted to refuse, but the absolute weariness won out and she slumped back into the chair. Rey hesitated a moment, before adding, “You can…you should hold her hand. You’ll feel better and maybe she’ll know you’re here.”

Phasma gasped and stared at Rey before muttering, “Am I that obvious?”

“Not really, just…you reminded me of someone. Does she know?”

Gwen shook her head slowly as she gently covered Bazine’s hand with her own. “I don’t think so, or at least, I’ve never said anything. She’s…it’s complicated.”

Rey nodded. “You work together, you’re her CO, sometimes people are stupid and bigoted.”

The blonde managed a weak smile and a nod.

“You should tell her, once she’s awake, but…I think she already knows.”

Rey pretended not to see the blush on the normally stoic captain’s cheeks as she nodded and gave a rueful smile. “I think I have to. I’ve wasted enough time already.”

Rey cocked her head to the side. “How long _have_ you been in love with my sister?”

“Probably since the day I met her but…I didn’t realize it right away.”

Rey beamed at her, relieved Baz wouldn’t have to endure the same longing and loneliness she felt. “I think I’ll go take the nurses up on their offer of a soda and snacks. Would you like anything?” Rey nodded and unfolded herself from the chair she’d been curled into, wincing a moment at the stiffness in her limbs and pausing to stretch before leaving the room, pausing at the doorway and glancing back as Gwen called out to her.

“Rey? Thank you.”

She smiled and nodded. “You’re welcome.”

“It was Solo, wasn’t it?”

She spun around. “What?”

“You said I reminded you of someone. Was it Solo?”

She nodded, glancing away from the pity in Gwen’s gaze and turning around to continue her quest for snacks, not that she really wanted them anymore.

She returned with a cold drink and some assorted snacks to find Phasma asleep with her head on the edge of Bazine’s bed. It probably wasn’t overly comfortable, but seeing their fingers laced together made Rey smile.

She must have fallen asleep herself, because she opened her eyes to find two hours had passed and her sister’s CO and probable future girlfriend was gone.

Someone else was there, though, and Rey gasped and nearly fell off the front of her chair. “Ben!”

He jerked, head flying up from where he’d been looking down at Bazine, and shot a fearful glance to the door. Rey slapped a hand over her mouth and hoped he could read the apology in her eyes.

He rounded the bed, staring down at her as she stood, trembling and disbelieving. She hadn’t seen or heard from him in _six years._

“I didn’t mean for you to see me,” he started, wincing and rubbing at his brow. “Fuck, I shouldn’t even have come here, but I needed…”

“You needed to see for yourself.”

Ben nodded, and Rey took a moment to soak in his presence. Every cell in her body wanted to reach out and touch him…well, maybe not all of her—a not insignificant portion of Rey wanted to punch him in the crotch, but she didn’t let that part take control. Not yet, anyway.

“I can’t stay, Phasma will be back soon. I only got in because she went for coffee and the protective detail has a shift change.”

He was gone before she could protest, and that angry part of her reared up and grabbed control of her.

He was out of sight by the time Rey got out of the room and rounded the corner, but she heard the faint click of the stairwell door and could smell his damn cologne lingering behind him that direction.

“Not this time,” she muttered to herself, punching the button for the elevators that were technically reserved for patient transport and custodial services. She knew she wouldn’t catch him on the stairs, but if luck was on her side she’d catch up on the ground level…assuming that was where he came out.

She reached out to press the button to open the doors but the lift shuddered to life and began to move.

She reached the ground level and would have caught him if she hadn’t been a little disoriented. Rey patted at her pockets, feeling desperately for the keys her boss had dropped off after personally delivering her car to the hospital and stepping in just long enough to check in with her. Several of the officers seemed to know (and like) him, but he shifted uncomfortably and couldn’t seem to get out quickly enough, so she hadn’t protested when he told her to take all the time she needed and he’d follow up with her about vacation and sick pay (which Rey hadn’t even realized she had).

She sighed in relief and darted for the parking structure, crossing her fingers and hoping against hope she’d spot Ben leaving.

She heard his voice on the very next level of the parking deck, along with the low rumble of a few others, then the closing of a car door and what she was pretty sure were motorcycle engines.

Rey hunched down in her seat, pretending not to hear all her instincts screaming at her to run back inside, and waited as a blacked out, luxury SUV and what looked to be three or four motorcycles roared past her.

Her hands trembled as she started her own engine and followed at a distance, trying to remember all the stories Ben and Baz and Din had told about tailing people over the years.

By some miracle they didn’t seem to see her and she parked down the block from a warehouse across town. It couldn’t possibly be this easy, right? Or, for that matter, this much of a cliché. An old, run-down warehouse? Really? But they were there, all filing in with Ben in front and the other men (she was right, it had been four on bikes with custom helmets) and a fifth she assumed was Ben’s driver following behind. She could hear the low rumble of his voice, and he sounded pissed.

The only word she caught was ‘followed’ and her blood froze in her veins for a moment until one of the other men responded with something about orders and she realized Ben must have been referring to the other men following him.

She waited until the door closed (surprisingly quietly) and crept up to the building. Her anger had faded, but she was committed to her course of action.

She should have paid more attention, thought to look for cameras, and maybe things would have gone differently.

She yelped as the door swung open and Ben grabbed her arm, dragging her inside. He was furious, she could see that, but underneath it she recognized fear. She heard a sound from behind him and he sighed and closed his eyes.

“You shouldn’t be here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Non-con: Nothing actually happens, but Snoke attempts to force Rey to perform oral sex on Kylo/Ben in front of the Knights of Ren as a lesson/show of power over all of them.  
> Bazine's injury: Baz and her partner are set up and she is attacked and stabbed, causing severe and potentially life-threatening injury.  
> Kidnapping: Rey follows Ben of her own free will but when she is caught she is taken prisoner (as portrayed in the opening scenes of the first 3 chapters).


	5. Secrets Locked Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snoke wants Rey broken. Ben is stubborn. Rey is angry and confused.
> 
> _Jannah opened a door on the opposite wall, leading Rey into—and through—a small (but still larger than her own) bedroom and into an attached bath. Jannah turned on the shower and faced Rey. “We don’t have a lot of time,” she said. “Now strip and listen to me very carefully.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Dubious consent/non-con and possibly (semi)consensual non-con...um, I'm not sure how to explain this vaguely, see end notes. Also, spanking, biting, rough sexual activity, and video and audio surveillance.
> 
> This is the darkest (and dirtiest, I think) thing I have written and willingly let anyone else read. I fought it but...yeah. Not as dark as some I have read, but this is not going to be all sunshine and roses (more darkness and bloody thorns) and the chapter count may have to go up, depending on how the next couple of chapters progress.
> 
> If you're still with me on this journey, thank you. If you have bowed out or are going to now, I understand and I am sorry. This story surprised me. I expected 5 chapters with angst and an eventual mushy, fluffy HEA. I still plan for the happy (or at least happy-ish and hopeful even if dark) ending, but not my originally planned fluff.
> 
> **PLEASE REVIEW UPDATED TAGS AND DO NOT READ IF THERE IS ANY CHANCE THEY ARE GOING TO BE AN ISSUE FOR YOU**
> 
> For those still reading, note that the structure is now reversed. Where chapters 1-4 started with a "Present" scene then the rest of the chapter was a flashback of sorts, chapters 5-8 will begin with a flashback before moving into the present timeline.
> 
> [Still Here (Broken, Bleeding) Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5ZMwWaf2CpmTgOscHhXVfz?si=GMLptSoCTqiyRmojw_0pQQ)

Mama Maz thanked the administrator of Bazine’s new school for letting them come in so late so Baz could get oriented before she started classes on Monday. Bazine had insisted it would be fine, but Mama Maz wouldn’t hear it, telling Baz that she would be at enough of a disadvantage transferring in after the term had started, and something about parents being an embarrassment to teenagers, which Rey didn’t understand or agree with at all. Baz was arguing about that too, when _he_ walked up.

“Ben Solo!” Mama Maz practically yelled when she saw him (she was really loud for such a small woman), and he flinched then looked their way and smiled and Rey was as sure as any nine-year-old could be that someday she was going to marry him and live happily ever after. Maybe after junior high? That would give him time to finish school and get a job, right? Maybe he could work at the grocery store and bring home extra food nobody bought that day.

She stared up at him while he tossed his head every time his hair fell over his eyes and talked and laughed with her sister and their mother.

Then he looked right at her and Rey gasped and ducked her head, maybe hiding behind Mama Maz for just a second. Mama Maz laughed and patted Rey on the shoulder, giving a firm press to urge Rey back in front of her.

“You’ve met my Princess Baz, and this is my Baby Rey,” Mama said, and Rey grinned. She liked being Mama’s baby.

Ben held out a hand, shaking hers like she was a grown up, and if she hadn’t already loved him, she would have just for that. “Hello, Lil Bit,” he said. He laughed when she frowned and grumbled that Mama had _just_ told him her name. Maybe she didn’t love him after all, she mused and thought about kicking him, almost did, but Mama and Baz both saw it coming and put warning hands on her back and arm, respectively. “I’m sorry,” he said, kneeling down to look her in the eye and offer his hand again. “Let me start over. It’s nice to meet you, Rey. You have one of the best moms in the world.”

“THE best,” she insisted, letting him take her hand again, and she liked that once again he shook it, rather than just giving her a pat or squeezing her fingers. “And the bestest big sister, too.”

“I believe it,” he said, quite serious. “I didn’t mean to insult you. I’m just too tall, and my ears are too big, see?” He tugged his hair back before added conspiratorially, “It’s why I won’t get my hair cut.” He sighed. “I wish I was just a little bit of a thing like you, so I could hide sometimes.”

She decided maybe Lil Bit wasn’t so bad, as long as he didn’t call her that in front of too many people. “You’re only _tall_ ,” she said, “and I’m still growing.” Everyone laughed, and Mama and the administrator started talking again. Rey looked carefully at Ben another moment, before adding, “You should probably stop, though.” She held her hands out and gestured up and down. “That way, anyway.” She narrowed her eyes and studied him again. “You should try to only grow this way,” she finished, opening her arms horizontally rather than vertically.

His laugh was loud and booming. “I’ll work on that,” he said, nodding his assent, and his smile went all the way to his eyes.

Yes, she definitely loved him.

She’d stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours, sure she’d never be able to sleep. The day had been a series of close calls, with Bazine being attacked, her own stupid, impulsive decision to follow Ben, and then the whole thing with Snoke.

It had been a small relief when Vicrul had dragged her through a series of long hallways that seemed to lead downhill, only to deposit her in what was apparently some kind of living room occupied by one of the most beautiful women Rey had ever seen (and she had grown up with Baz and Rose and Kaydel).

“Jannah!” Vicrul practically barked, voice echoing oddly through his helmet as if there was some kind of modulator inside. “New pet, Snoke wants her prepared.” Then he left and Jannah stood and walked a slow, assessing circle around Rey before nodding to herself.

“This should be easy enough,” the woman said, tossing long, braided hair over her shoulder. “You won’t exactly take a ton of work but we don’t have a lot of time,” she continued. “Follow me, please.”

She shouldn’t, should refuse and try to run, but something about the way Jannah had looked at her when she spoke, as if trying to tell her something different altogether, roused Rey’s curiosity. Besides, it wasn’t like she had any hope of escaping the place by herself.

Jannah opened a door on the opposite wall, leading Rey into—and through—a small (but still larger than her own) bedroom and into an attached bath. Jannah turned on the shower and faced Rey. “We don’t have a lot of time,” she said. “Now strip and listen to me _very_ carefully.”

Cameras. There were cameras everywhere (yes, even the bathrooms), not a single square foot of space that wasn’t in view of one of them, and nearly as many microphones. The only ones without sound equipment were the bathrooms, but Jannah was quick to add that there was still one just outside the door strong enough to pick up their voices, even over the shower spray.

Jannah explained this quickly while setting out various products and implements as Rey stripped. “Be quick, but thorough,” Jannah advised, busying herself at the vanity counter with her back to Rey, in an effort to offer at least some illusion of privacy.

“He’ll want you broken,” Jannah said as Rey dried herself quickly.

“I know who you are, we all do, and not even Snoke would risk giving you to anyone other than Kylo, but he will make you both suffer for it, first.”

She slipped a fluffy robe over Rey’s shoulders and led her to sit in front of the vanity.

“What do you mean, ‘giving me to Kylo?’ And what the bloody hell does broken mean?”

“I think you know—look down.” There was a push on the back of Rey’s head and she tilted her chin down as Jannah worked yet another product of some sort through her hair (there had been three so far). “Look, I don’t know how the hell you got into this mess, but if you aren’t very careful you won’t make it out alive, do you understand that?”

Rey lifted her head, met Jannah’s gaze in the mirror, and gave her a slow nod. Jannah returned her attention to Rey’s hair. “I don’t know what he’ll do, but I can assure you that you will not like it and neither will Kylo, nor…well, probably anyone.” Rey had the sense that ‘anyone’ was actually someone very specific but she didn’t push. She had enough to process already.

Rey woke with a start, panic gripping her as the bed sank under the weight of another person. She felt the heat and weight of him against her back, and there was a hand pressed firmly over her mouth as another trailed roughly over her body, sliding up to where the sheet rested on her torso and moving under the cover.

Her heart pounded and she thought she might pass out if he didn’t let her breathe. She could feel his breath on her neck and she jerked and squirmed, trying to move away from him as he grasped the hem of the surprisingly modest nightgown she’d been given. “Sh, Rey, hold still, don’t make me hurt you,” Ben’s voice rumbled in her ear. She pushed desperately at the hand over her mouth, both her hands prying at his fingers.

She felt the press of his mouth just in front of her ear and then heard him again.

“Snoke’s watching, and he’s making Ap’lek, too, since he ruined the _lesson_ earlier.”

She froze. Ap’lek?

 _Paul_.

Jannah’s comments about wanting Rey broken and that Kylo and ‘probably anyone’ wouldn’t like what Snoke wanted came back to her.

She thought about it, nodded slowly, and the hand over her mouth loosened. She sucked in a breath, then another, before opening her mouth to speak. Before she got the chance, the hand was back and Ben was leaning over her, eyes darting up at the ceiling and back to her as he turned her from her side onto her back.

It reminded her of when he’d dragged her into the warehouse—it must look like he was being extremely rough, but it felt almost gentle.

Right. Cameras and microphones.

The hand that had been tugging at her nightgown captured her wrists and pressed them to the mattress above her head. He leaned in again and she yelped when he actually bit her, and she shuddered when his tongue dragged over the spot.

She wasn’t even sure how to react.

Her entire life, Ben Solo had been extremely careful with her. The most he’d ever touched her had been when he carried her inside after Mama Maz’s funeral and that night in the Uni library, yet there he was, in bed beside her, naked—definitely naked—and doing things to her that she had only ever dreamed or fantasized about.

It was the last thing she wanted.

Or, it should be, anyway.

He did it again, a little lower on her neck, and she whimpered. “Ben.”

He lurched up, hand squeezing around her wrists and the other coming to rest on her neck. “That’s not my name,” he hissed at her.

“It’s who you are,” she insisted.

“No, it really isn’t,” he said, lowering himself over her until she was pinned under his body. “I’m a monster, Rey, always have been.” She jerked when the hand on her throat gave a light squeeze before he removed it, sliding it up to join the one at her wrists. As he adjusted his hold on her, each of his hands wrapping around one of her wrists, he lowered his lips to her ear again.

“He wants you broken,” he whispered, “I don’t. Please don’t make me do this for real.”

His teeth closed over her earlobe and she cried out, jerking away, although it was the pain in his voice and not her ear that made her do it. She jerked at her arms, tried to shift her legs, lurched up and bit his lower lip.

“Better make it look convincing, then,” she hissed back at him, watching the darkness in his eyes, seeing the thought cross his mind that he _could_ , and she shivered. He wiped at his mouth and she glared up at him.

It wasn’t hard to summon anger at this man. She’d been carrying plenty of it around inside her for years.

In only a moment, he was on her, lips and teeth and tongue everywhere except on hers as he switched back to gripping her wrists in one hand and lifted up, pinning her legs again with one of his own before she could kick him. He managed to jerk the nightgown off of her, tossing it to the floor somewhere beside the bed.

“Turn the fuck over!” he practically shouted in her face, before his lips formed a silent inquiry.

_'Safeword?'_

She glared up at him. So, he knew, then, which confirmed he’d definitely kept watching her over the years. She jerked and lurched up to bite him again, going for his ear this time. “Honeybee,” she hissed against his ear and he jerked as if she really had bitten him before grabbing her and flipping her over.

“Fuck you! I don’t want this,” she yelled at him, biting back a moan when he jerked her hips up and fisted the hair on the back of her head.

“You’re gonna scream for me,” he growled, jerking her panties down to her knees before slamming his body against hers. She did scream then, more in anger and frustration than anything, because he was still being so incredibly careful with her. Too careful, in Rey’s opinion, not that anyone cared.

She’d thought for a moment that they were on the same page, when he asked for her safeword, that he’d understood she was saying he could be as rough as necessary to convince Snoke.

But he very carefully lodged his erection between her thighs, never even attempting to thrust into her, and she was pretty certain she kept hearing him mutter “I’m sorry,” over and over.

“If you’re so sorry then just let me go,” she snarled.

“No.”

That was it? Really? Just ‘no’ and nothing else? Okay, fine.

“Ben! BenBenBenBenBen!” she shouted. “That’s who you are and always will be!”

The slap to her ass caught her by surprise. He hadn’t held back.

“Ow! Fuck Kylo Ren and fuck Snoke! You’ll always be Ben fucking Solo!”

She screamed when his palm smacked down again and he jerked back from her, raining blows on her ass and thighs and she thought if he just did it one more time it might be enough, and almost as if he knew it, he stopped.

“Bastard!” she shouted, forgetting for the moment that anyone else could hear or see them. So close, she’d been so close. One of his hands wrapped around her throat again, putting pressure on either side.

“Oh no, sweetheart, my parents were married by the time I was actually born,” he said, and her eyes fluttered and rolled back for a moment before he loosened his grip. “Now, if you can’t behave, you don’t get to come, but I’m not finished yet,” he said, and a shiver trailed down her spine. Oh, no, that was his finger, tracing down the length of her body so lightly it almost didn’t register as a touch.

She yelped in surprise when he jerked her legs back, dragging her knees roughly over the sheets (that would leave a mark) and making her fall flat. He thrust himself between her thighs again and she whimpered. So close, so close, if he would just…he pulled away again, rising up on his knees and she tried to turn, but he pushed her head into the bedding. “No, you don’t get to look at me, you haven’t earned that yet.”

She couldn’t see, but she could hear him, the sounds he made, the slide of flesh over flesh, and she waited, trembling and disbelieving. Surely, he wasn’t really…but then his breath hitched and he grunted and let out a low, guttural moan, and she felt the splatter of streams of cum streaking across her back, her ass, and her thighs.

She shifted and felt his hand land between her shoulder blades. “Don’t you move. You’re going to stay right there until it dries.”

“I’m cold,” she whined. She wasn’t, not yet anyway, but she’d remembered they were being watched and she wanted the scant protection of the sheet between her skin and the cameras.

“Too bad,” he said, rising to stand by the bed. “Maybe you’ll remember this next time.” He left the room and padded through another door. She heard the shower come on, heard him cursing as something fell, and she was torn between going after him for comfort (not that she knew if she wanted to comfort him or herself) or going after him because she was still angry, but she didn’t move.

He took longer than she expected, and if not for the discomfort of a very full bladder she may have gone back to sleep.

She was confused when he put the nightgown back over her head and followed her into the bathroom. “B—” she sighed at his glare. “Fine, _Kylo_ ,” she said, the name foreign and heavy on her tongue. “I need to pee. I don’t need help.” He looked at her, glanced up at the ceiling, and crossed his arms as he waited.

She looked at him there, his ears peeking through damp hair, arms crossed over a chest that was somehow even broader than she had realized, and dressed in only a pair of soft and faded flannel pajama pants. She rolled her eyes, channeling herself at around fourteen years old (what she personally considered her peak bratty stage). “Fine.”

He turned his back, at least, and it was the most awkward she’d ever felt around him (including only minutes prior when she’d sat up and realized her skin was tight with his dried cum and she wasn’t actually upset about it but _he_ wouldn’t or possibly even couldn’t look her in the eye).

“I’d like a shower,” she said after washing her hands, both of them flushed and uncomfortable.

“Too bad. Get back in bed.”

She started to argue, but he still wouldn’t look at her, and he sounded world-weary and exhausted.

She could pick a fight with him about it in the morning.

She crawled back onto the mattress and he slipped in beside her, pulling the covers over both of them. “Phasma and Din will come looking for me, and probably the rest of the department,” she muttered.

“They already have,” he said softly. “Had a warrant and everything, searched the whole building and found no sign of you.”

“Above ground,” she whispered.

“Still so clever,” he said, rolling onto his side so his back was to her. “Goodnight, Rey,” he said, pressing his face into his pillow.

She wasn’t sure which of them cried the longest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Definite consent issues here. We get a little info on Snoke's methods and there is a scene where Kylo/Ben gets into bed with Rey and she wakes up with him covering her mouth and groping her for the benefit of the surveillance cameras Snoke has covering every square foot of his property. She is rightly terrified and he risks whispering to her what is going on, and she tells him to "make it look convincing, then."
> 
> Rey is a prisoner, Ben may as well be, and they are basically both being forced into this by Snoke. Ben does get a safeword from her before hand, but it is not safe/sane/consensual, and they are under duress. This is NOT a healthy relationship dynamic, folks.
> 
> And no, we have not yet covered what happened between Rey recognizing Paul/Ap'lek and the events in Kylo's bedroom. That is coming though.


	6. No One Ever Wants to Feel Like This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey realizes how she knows the Knights of Ren-all of them, and begins to consider that Ben may have been telling her the truth that night in the library. Maybe the man she knew really is gone forever.
> 
> _He was already out of the bedroom, halfway across the living room by the time she reached the door. “Ben!” He flinched but kept going. “Ugh, fine, Kylo!”_
> 
> _“I have to go, Rey. Snoke’s waiting.”_
> 
> _“Why? Why do you work for him? Why let him boss you around?” He looked at her for a long moment, eyes burning intensely as his jaw worked, then he turned and left the room, the door thumping closed firmly behind him followed by the rattle of keys and the click of a lock being thrown._
> 
> _A lock that couldn’t be opened from the inside._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags updated again for chapters 6 and 7, please review those. If you need more information on one (or more) please ask. Moving forward, pretty much any tag may apply to any chapter.
> 
> [Still Here (Broken, Bleeding) Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5ZMwWaf2CpmTgOscHhXVfz?si=GMLptSoCTqiyRmojw_0pQQ)

“You’re twitchy,” Rey called out, almost singing the words as Ben paced from the kitchen table, across the hall into the living room, and then back.

Again.

She’d lost count of the number of times he’d done it.

He tugged out the chair across from her and flipped it around, straddling it backwards and watching as she finished the last few lines of her chemistry homework. “Sorry, Lil Bit,” he said, grinning when she huffed and rolled her eyes. “Not great at being patient,” he muttered, running a hand through his hair. “Not today anyway.”

“You’re nervous.”

“I’m not.”

She didn’t even look up from her papers. “You are. You’re doing that thing. Baz does it too.”

“What thing?”

Rey put down her pencil and looked him in the eye. “The cop thing where you’re just suddenly ‘on’ and looking for threats.” He stared back for a moment, eyes hard and flinty, before he shook his head and gave her a half-grin, just enough to almost show the hint of a dimple.

“So clever,” he muttered. “You’re going to change the world someday, Ellie Bee.”

“Not if I don’t pass chemistry,” she grumbled, looking back down at her paper.

“Let’s see,” Ben said, holding out one of his oven mitts of a hand for her paper. He looked it over, grabbed her textbook and notes (copied directly from the teacher’s projection screen), and scowled. “Who the hell do they have teaching chemistry now?” he mumbled before shaking his head. “Okay, first off, forget whatever the teacher said for now. This is all basically just algebra. You aced that.”

Ben relaxed as he started over from the beginning teaching her how to balance chemical equations. He made it seem so easy. “You should have been a teacher,” Rey said. “You’re good at it.”

“Nah,” he said, crossing his arms and smirking at her. “Guys with guns aren’t nearly as scary as hormonal teenagers.”

The earlier wariness came back over him again at that, and Rey wanted to kick herself in the shin. “Try again,” Ben said, passing her a clean sheet of notebook paper. While she worked, he went back to his caged animal pacing.

Rey woke alone. Well, she was the only one in the bed, at least. She rolled onto her back and blinked up at the ceiling a few times before sitting up and running the fingers of one hand through her hair. She smelled coffee. She sniffed the air again, then once more. Bacon, and maple syrup, too.

“Breakfast is in the other room. Jannah will be by with clothes for you in an hour or two. Eat and shower before she gets here.”

He was already out of the bedroom, halfway across the living room by the time she reached the door. “Ben!” He flinched but kept going. “Ugh, fine, Kylo!”

“I have to go, Rey. Snoke’s waiting.”

“ _Why?_ Why do you work for him? Why let him boss you around?” He looked at her for a long moment, eyes burning intensely as his jaw worked, then he turned and left the room, the door thumping closed firmly behind him followed by the rattle of keys and the click of a lock being thrown.

A lock that couldn’t be opened from the inside.

She ate everything on the plate, drained the juice glass and had a second cup of coffee before heading for the shower. She paused long enough in each room to glare and stick out her tongue at the cameras—the ones she’d seen so far, anyway.

She made quick work of using the toilet but took her time with her shower. It wasn’t like they hadn’t seen everything already, and Paul wasn’t the only one of the Knights of Ren she had recognized, though she had managed to cover her surprise at the others.

All of them, at some point she had seen _all_ of them.

She knew now who Ben—er, _Kylo_ , she supposed—had set to watching her over the past six years. The ones called Vicrul and Ushar came by the garage every so often. They didn’t interact with Rey, only her coworkers, but she’d seen them enough to know she’d seen them before. Vicrul always seemed nice enough but Ushar…he made her skin crawl.

For a while, Cardo had frequented the diner where she and Baz sometimes got breakfast or lunch (or breakfast for lunch) on weekends. Then Baz noticed him watching them one Saturday, and he didn’t show up there anymore. Of course, that might have been because he’d tried to hit on Baz while looking down Rey’s shirt and being summarily shot down.

Kuruk she had run into at the library a few times, and she always thought he looked like he should be at some country club luncheon with his collar popped. He unsettled her as well, but she’d always chalked that up to the frat boy vibe he gave off, even though he was definitely too old to be a college student (well, the traditional 18- to-21-year-old partying type, anyway).

The only one she hadn’t been able to place right away was Trudgen. She’d glanced at him a few times, still there on her knees while Paul— _Ap’lek—_ argued with Snoke and got beaten by Ushar while Kuruk and Cardo held his arms behind his back for his trouble. When Paul had fallen to the ground, Ushar kicked him one more time and just walked away. Then Trudgen moved to help him up and _that_ was when Rey recognized him.

She hadn’t been able to place his face because she’d never actually seen it. His body, though, she recognized that—well, more specifically, she recognized his ink, particularly the intricate work on his forearms. His face was always covered at the club, but he rarely wore a shirt, and he was _magic_ with a whip, or paddle, or, really, any pain-causing implement (not that she’d let him try them all—nothing that left marks she or anyone else could see once she left the club; what happened there stayed there…she thought). He’d been the first Dom to agree to her terms—no sex, just punishment when they met at the club, and maybe some structure and check ins via text and email. It had lasted two years before he just stopped showing up twice a month and deactivated the phone and email contacts she had for him. She couldn’t look him up. He’d never given her a name of any kind; she’d just called him Master or Sir. The anonymity had been the only thing he insisted on when they discussed terms. Of course, the name she’d given him had been false, too.

She thought over all of it as the water ran over her body, barely easing aches she hadn’t even realized were there. She hadn’t just been watched. It seemed like at least half of her life the past few years was a fabrication, and she wondered what kind of shitty game Kylo had been playing with her. It was easier to think of him as Kylo, now, because Ben she knew before wouldn’t ever have manipulated her the way Kylo Ren had. Maybe he really hadn’t been lying that night in the library, when he told her Ben was gone and wasn’t ever coming back.

She shouldn’t trust him.

Them, really. Not any of them. These were Snoke’s people, and Rey knew she’d seen too much to ever just be allowed to leave. Either they would kill her or keep her around a while and then kill her.

So why couldn’t she stop trusting Ben? Or Paul, for that matter? Even Trudgen or whatever the bloody hell his real name was.

She sighed and shut off the water, reaching for a towel and staring straight into the camera in the ceiling as she took her time drying off. She found a new bottle of lotion in the medicine cabinet. It just had to be her favorite brand, didn’t it? The one that hadn’t even hit the market until after Ben left her in the library. She returned to what she had decided was the optimal angle to make sure she was clearly visible to whomever happened to be watching and set about moisturizing her skin (something she rarely bothered with, actually).

Short of refusing to eat and shower and dress at all, it was the most defiant thing she could think of to do under her present circumstances. She reached for the fluffy robe on a hook by the bathroom door then thought better of it before marching naked into the bedroom and flinging open the closet. She grabbed a white dress shirt at random and pulled it on, closing only enough buttons to keep it from falling off of her as she stomped into the living room and practically threw herself onto the sofa.

She looked up at the sound of the lock being thrown, followed by a light knock as the door swung open. “Morning!” Jannah called, entering the room with her arms full of fabric. Vicrul followed, pushing a wheeled rack with yet more clothing, Trudgen guarding the door.

She knew better than to try to run (not that she could actually go anywhere).

Rey just looked at them each in turn, crossing her arms and wishing she’d thought to roll up the sleeves as the empty fabric flopped over her hands. She didn’t speak, nor did she get up, but they didn’t seem to care.

Jannah didn’t say anything else until Vicrul and Trudgen stepped back out into the corridor, closing the door and locking the women in the room. “Well, someone’s sullen this morning,” Jannah said, staring Rey down. Eventually Rey gave in and looked away. Fine. Let Jannah win that one. “Come on, I don’t have all day. Into the bedroom with you.” Rey rolled her eyes and huffed her annoyance, but she did get up and walk into the other room—slowly.

Half the clothes stayed, and Rey was relieved to see at least some comfortable loungewear and (thank the Maker) real underwear—plain cotton and enough of it to cover her arse. Jannah smirked when she saw Rey reach for that particular pile of fabric on the bed. “Kylo insisted there be some comfortable pieces,” she said. Rey dropped the fabric in her hand and crossed her arms again.

There was a flicker in the lights, a series of beeps, and Jannah grabbed her by the shoulders, dragging her into the bathroom. “Get it together, girl,” she hissed. “Either you convince Snoke Kylo’s trying to get you under control or neither of you gets out of here alive.”

“What do you care?”

“Do you seriously think I’m here willingly? No, but I do what I have to, it’s how I’ve survived. This is more test for Kylo than you, you know. Snoke’s never given him a pet before, content with reminding him you were out living a shadow of the life you should have, then you had to walk your ass right in here.”

Rey gaped at her and looked up at the camera.

“We have about…forty-five seconds before the systems come back online after that little power surge a minute ago,” Jannah said. “It was a risk but you may just get us all killed if you don’t start at least pretending to give up. Believe me, you do NOT want Snoke interfering in whatever Kylo is doing to supposedly break you. Snoke wants you hopeless and subservient, do you understand?”

There was a crackle and hiss from just outside the door, and a whirring sound as the cameras came back on and refocused.

“So, you used the conditioner, what about leave in, or the heat protectant?” Jannah asked, grabbing a handful of Rey’s hair.

“Ow! I…no, just shampoo and conditioner.”

Jannah shook her head and clucked her tongue. “Too late now, no time left. Just go get dressed. Or don’t, whatever. You’ll have a few hours to go through the rest of the clothes and put them away, but you need to dress for dinner. Once a week it’s a formal group meal. I suggest the blue silk sleeveless sheath, and don’t forget stockings and heels. Since it’s the first they’ll probably send me back to do your hair and makeup.”

And then Jannah was just suddenly gone, leaving Rey in the bathroom and hurrying back to the (suite? Flat?) door and knocking. It was a moment before Rey heard the lock tumblers disengage. This time Vicrul stayed at the door while Trudgen grabbed the clothing rack with one hand and Jannah with the other, tugging both into the hallway before closing the door again. She felt a sinking sensation as the lock clicked over once again.

She was in over her head.

Not that she hadn’t realized that before, but…well, it was so much worse than she had imagined. She knew, logically, that Baz and Din and Phasma wouldn’t give up on her, not to mention the hell her friends were likely to raise.

They must be so worried.

Rose would be furious, if she knew it was all because Rey had followed Ben or Kylo or whoever he thought he was today out of the hospital because she was mad at him.

Actually, Rey was pretty angry with herself for that, but that nine-year-old who fell in love with Ben Solo the day they met was still there inside her, and sometimes she was loud enough to drown out reason and common sense.

She took her time putting away all the clothes, but it still didn’t take all that long. There was no telly, and of course no computer or anything that might allow contact with the outside world. She almost didn’t see the bookshelf at first, tucked in between a fully stocked bar and what she supposed passed for a kitchenette (microwave, refrigerator, and a hot plate), and a tiny sink that looked like something from a travel trailer.

She recognized most of the titles, some of the books themselves, and tried not to let the faint hope stirring in her chest grow any stronger. She reached for one in the far corner of the bottom shelf, out of place in a collection carefully organized by genre and author. The battered paperback was held together with clear tape, a few pages pulled loose and tucked back in, and the paper yellowing around the edges. The cover was wavy from water damage.

She was curled on the couch, book still in her hands, and staring blankly at the far wall when B-Kylo unlocked the door and strode in, glaring at her. “You should be dressed by now. Jannah will be here in five minutes.” She tossed the book on the coffee table, wincing when the first page fluttered loose, and he froze, staring from the book to her and back again before gently picking it up and tucking the page back inside.

She’d been behind in a lot of subjects, before Mama Maz adopted her, and she struggled with reading for a while after that.

The worn, second-hand copy of The Secret Garden was the first one she’d ever gotten through all by herself. Well, mostly. Over the course of weeks, she’d read it out loud to Ben Solo, and he’d patiently waited while she stumbled over words and asked him what they meant.

She didn’t have to see it to know what was on the mostly blank title page. A sticker, printed words “This book belongs to” and then ‘Ben’ written in fairly neat script, with a hastily scrawled ‘and REY’ squeezed in beside it.

She’d thought she lost it and cried for days when she realized she couldn’t give it back to him.

Rey went into the bedroom and retrieved the blue silk dress from where she’d hung it on the closet door.

Dinner was an exercise in stress and anxiety. No one talked, except for Snoke, unless he addressed them directly. The food was probably delicious, but it all seemed to turn to overly salty sawdust on her tongue. Taking her cue from Jannah, who was seated directly across from her between Vicrul and Cardo, Rey kept her eyes down, intently focused on the tablecloth, and a tiny spot of grease that had dripped from the edge of her plate.

“And what of you, New Pet?”

She started when Ben (because after finding the book she couldn’t not think of him as Ben again) poked her in the side. She gasped and blinked rapidly, before glancing up and Snoke and down again. “Your pet needs better training, Kylo Ren,” the man muttered. “Her manners are atrocious. Well, girl, what of it? Look at me!” he demanded. “I asked what you think of my hospitality.” He toyed with the overly sharp steak knife.

“I think I should quite like to go home now, sir,” she said, unable to stop herself from meeting his eyes. At least she didn’t have to pretend to be afraid.

“Why, my dear, you _are_ home,” he said. “For now,” he added. “How long, well that’s up to you.”

He looked away from her. “Still too much fire,” he mumbled. “See to that,” he directed at Ben. “I expect you to do the job _properly_ this time.” He paused, and Rey felt a chill in the air as his mouth twisted in some horrific approximation of a smile. “Perhaps a little…incentive for you both?” Ben looked down, jaw ticking. “No? Fine then. You have twenty-four hours to teach your pet her place, or Ushar will train her for you.” She didn’t think anyone else could see the entirety of Ben’s reaction to the threat, but he was visibly pale and Jannah gasped. She thought maybe Paul did as well, and Trudgen looked from Rey to Ushar to Snoke before meeting her eyes. She didn’t need to be psychic to read the warning there.

After the threat had registered with everyone, Snoke stood and left the room. Ben shoved his chair back hard enough it fell over with an echoing crack, and she thought maybe one of the legs had snapped off. Her own chair moved with a jerk and then he pulled her out of it, grip on her upper arm too tight. She didn’t fight or argue as he dragged her from the room.

Because he was afraid.

She could feel it radiating off of him, would have known even if his eyes hadn’t been wide and darting back and forth, assessing for threats. He was like a spooked animal. Rey stumbled and kicked off the heels, glad she hadn’t worn a pair with straps, then practically ran beside him in an attempt to match his pace.

She heard the door lock behind them once they were in his rooms again and realized someone else had followed and locked them inside.

“Twenty-four hours,” he muttered, glaring at the door. “They won’t let us out until the time’s up, and they’ll definitely be watching.”

He turned back to her, and the hopelessness was heartbreaking.

“No more pretending,” she breathed.

He seemed confused.

“I mean you. Don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t.” He opened his mouth, ready to argue again that her Ben was gone, but that wasn’t what Rey meant. Not this time. She reached back, tugging at the zipper on the dress and then shrugging out of it, shoving the fabric down over her hips as he stared at her. She could see his pulse in his neck, and for a moment she worried about a heart attack. She reached out and shoved at his chest, pushing him onto the couch and then straddling his lap.

“It’s not about a name: Ben, Kylo, Sir, whatever you want to be called,” she whispered, leaning in close enough their lips brushed with every word. “Hurt me if you need to. I’m not ready for either of us to die, so I need you to help me convince him I’m as broken as he wants.”

The sound he made was something like a whimper, but he didn’t resist when she kissed him, leaning into it for a moment before he shoved her off his lap and into the floor, so that she ended up kneeling between his spread thighs. He licked his lips and stroked her hair for a moment before grabbing a handful and jerking her forward.

“I believe you’ll recall lesson one was rudely interrupted. We’ll start there,” he hissed. “You know what to do.”

The camera above them made a whirring sound, whoever was watching zooming in as she reached for his belt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you think Rey is out of character here as opposed to the rest of the story, you're right. She's still a bit in shock at her situation, and has also been compartmentalizing her life for 6 years and spent most of the time in denial about that. Now she's not only having to face that, but do so while in survival mode. It's going to affect her choices from here on out.
> 
> Still not entirely sure about the chapter count, but hoping it will work.


End file.
